Hi all I know, I know it seems like I fell off the planet but I haven't I am still here. I am leaning towards a more person direction with my blog. I am going to open myself up a little to show more of who I really am. I hope you enjoy the pieces of me...
This weekend I learned a lot about myself. I felt I grew in the past 48 hours more than I have in the past year. A couple of things happened this weekend to help my progress and here they are:
1. I went to look for a new place to live.
Since my divorce I have been trying to stake my independence. When I moved out of the home we shared I conveniently relocated to a comfortable cushy spot close to my ex. In the beginning this was great BUT I found that I was still holding on to the comfort of having my ex there for back up. I realized this weekend that I need to get uncomfortable to be independent. So I set my sights on a few cities that are 20 to 30 miles away. That should get me out of my cushy comfort zone. Although I didn’t find a place I found that I like the cities that I visited.
2. I had a girl’s night in.
Typically we sit around, drink wine, and talk (shit) about men, but this time with no complaints in either of our love lives we talked about life. We are both recently divorced (we dubbed ourselves the first wives club) and when she told me that she had finally accepted her part in her divorce I was dumbfounded. In my bias eyes she was never at fault just her stupid ex. But she went on to describe how she allowed herself to stay and thought if she did he would change. Well, I’m no relationship guru but everyone knows you can’t change a person. So her admitting her fault (that she stay and hoped he would change) was her release. She told me how letting go of the bitterness she had towards her ex made her current relationship stronger. That made me think about my divorce and my current situation.
My current guy has been reluctant the entire course of our relationship. I thought he was commitment phobic but he may just be really insightful. I have been overly protective with my heart and I haven’t allowed him to know certain parts of me. That has slowed us down substantially. While I am not looking to get married anytime soon, I still need to open up and let him in if I want a relationship to work with him. This has been an uphill battle on my part due to my hardheadness (yes that’s a word I just made up). I just wanted all the love and relationship things to happen sooner and he kept telling me to take it slower. So I’ll admit it he was smart to protect himself from hurricane me. (LOL) And I look forward to our growth together.
Finally, my divorce, as much as I hate to ever admit my fault I must. I fell in love with the expectation of what my ex-husband could have been and changed myself to be what he wanted. I woke up one day disgusted at what I had become for him. I had lost myself to be his and he hadn’t done the same for me. When I decided that I didn’t want him or our relationship anymore he seemed to love me more. I loved the manipulation but I wasn’t into the game of toying with hearts. I wanted to change him to meet my expectations knowing that you can’t change a person. I would have given the world to save my marriage but ultimately it was never going to work. I swear the minute I said it out loud a weight lifted off my heart. The hate I had for my ex disappeared opening up space in my heart. A few weeks ago I cussed out my ex for being the asshole that he was. Now I am happy that we had what we had and that I can move on.
Ok, this may not seem like much but this was the Ah-ha moment that we all want. I may not be able to predict the future with my new guy but letting go of the resentment that I held from my ex opened up a new path for us. I can unbolt my heart and brace it for the love it deserves.
This post may not seem book related but it is. Love and Hate are strong emotions. Harboring the feeling of hate can block more than your heart. Over the last year my writing has suffered because of the hate I retained for my ex. Letting go of it has gotten my creativity flowing again. I am slowing getting my writing groove back and I hope that my work will reflect it.
Until next time!