By now you all are aware that I am in the midst of an unconventional romance. As much as I’d like to admit that I am having some book love affair that isn’t the case. The only thing about our romance that has some bookish flare is how we met. I will not give too many details because he is VERY private but I will say that we met in high school. I hope that fact alone will change our unconventional romance into a full-fledged love story.
Our relationship is not perfect but then again our whole courtship hasn’t been ideal. Here I am a divorced mother and there he was a single guy comfortable with his life. The first few months were more like a therapy session than anything. I was in denial about what I wanted and he was cautiously tip toeing around. We had ups, downs, and we’ve even been on the outs. I’ve made life-changing decisions without talking to him and he continued life as usual.
Recently, we’ve been dancing around the idea of being in a relationship but we still aren’t quite there yet. As he stated when we first started “hanging out” (I was unwilling to listen), I needed to be comfortable with myself before I could get comfortable in a new relationship. I didn’t think he knew much about relationships and I always thought the only way to get over the old one was to get into a new one (my therapist loved me, I fired her and started this blog). So, essentially he stood in the same spot while I ran in circles. Occasionally, he would run with me (to humor me) but he would eventually stop and let me go. It wasn’t until one of my many aha moments that I figured the sh*t out. Now here we are… moving forward together, slowly.
The fact is now I LOVE him (I haven’t told him that yet so keep that to yourself). I question my love everyday and myself… I mean can I love someone that I am not in a relationship with? Does he feel the same way? Will he say I love you back… and mean it? Of course, I could be over thinking this as I tend to do but it’s my friends that follow my love life closely thinks that we are a couple and refer to us as such. However, I don’t feel like we are there yet, hell I am tired from running in circles, but it’s awkward to say no he’s not my boyfriend so I just let them think that's what we are.
That got me thinking maybe expectations can ruin a good thing. Maybe WE are creating our own rules for OUR relationship. Maybe WE are in a relationship and neither of US knows it. I am happy knowing that we are on the road to happiness and one day we will be in love with each other, if we’re not already.
Are you confused yet? Ha-ha, welcome to my life. I stay in a perpetual state of confusion.
That’s it for now.