Hi all I know, I know it seems like I fell off
the planet but I haven't I am still here. I am leaning towards a more person
direction with my blog. I am going to open myself up a little to show more of
who I really am. I hope you enjoy the pieces of me...
This weekend I learned a lot about myself. I felt I
grew in the past 48 hours more than I have in the past year. A couple of things
happened this weekend to help my progress and here they are:
1. I
went to look for a new place to live.
Since my divorce I have
been trying to stake my independence. When I moved out of the home we shared I conveniently
relocated to a comfortable cushy spot close to my ex. In the beginning this was
great BUT I found that I was still holding on to the comfort of having my ex
there for back up. I realized this weekend that I need to get uncomfortable to
be independent. So I set my sights on a few cities that are 20 to 30 miles
away. That should get me out of my cushy comfort zone. Although I didn’t find a
place I found that I like the cities that I visited.
2. I
had a girl’s night in.
Typically we sit
around, drink wine, and talk (shit) about men, but this time with no complaints
in either of our love lives we talked about life. We are both recently divorced
(we dubbed ourselves the first wives club) and when she told me that she had
finally accepted her part in her divorce I was dumbfounded. In my bias eyes she
was never at fault just her stupid ex. But she went on to describe how she
allowed herself to stay and thought if she did he would change. Well, I’m no relationship
guru but everyone knows you can’t change a person. So her admitting her fault (that
she stay and hoped he would change) was her release. She told me how letting go
of the bitterness she had towards her ex made her current relationship
stronger. That made me think about my divorce and my current situation.
My current guy has been
reluctant the entire course of our relationship. I thought he was commitment phobic
but he may just be really insightful. I have been overly protective with my
heart and I haven’t allowed him to know certain parts of me. That has slowed us
down substantially. While I am not looking to get married anytime soon, I still
need to open up and let him in if I want a relationship to work with him. This
has been an uphill battle on my part due to my hardheadness (yes that’s a word
I just made up). I just wanted all the love and relationship things to happen
sooner and he kept telling me to take it slower. So I’ll admit it he was smart
to protect himself from hurricane me. (LOL) And I look forward to our growth together.
Finally, my divorce, as
much as I hate to ever admit my fault I must. I fell in love with the
expectation of what my ex-husband could have been and changed myself to be what
he wanted. I woke up one day disgusted at what I had become for him. I had lost
myself to be his and he hadn’t done the same for me. When I decided that I didn’t
want him or our relationship anymore he seemed to love me more. I loved the
manipulation but I wasn’t into the game of toying with hearts. I wanted to change
him to meet my expectations knowing that you can’t change a person. I would
have given the world to save my marriage but ultimately it was never going to
work. I swear the minute I said it out loud a weight lifted off my heart. The
hate I had for my ex disappeared opening up space in my heart. A few weeks ago
I cussed out my ex for being the asshole that he was. Now I am happy that we
had what we had and that I can move on.
Ok, this may not seem
like much but this was the Ah-ha moment that we all want. I may not be able to
predict the future with my new guy but letting go of the resentment that I held
from my ex opened up a new path for us. I
can unbolt my heart and brace it for the love it deserves.
This post may not seem
book related but it is. Love and Hate are strong emotions. Harboring the feeling
of hate can block more than your heart. Over the last year my writing has
suffered because of the hate I retained for my ex. Letting go of it has gotten
my creativity flowing again. I am slowing getting my writing groove back and I
hope that my work will reflect it.
Until
next time!
Smooches
Lola
Smooches
Lola
Lola James has been reading romance novels since her teens, and fell in love with the paranormal after discovering Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. Her love of the dark worlds of vampires and witches, as well as her fascination with Greek mythology led her to create the Spellbound Series, an ongoing Paranormal Romance combining all of the above into tales of suspense with a little bit of humor in an Urban Fantasy setting.
A long time lover of reading and writing with a passion for a great story, James became discouraged by the complicated and arbitrary publishing process, James had initially set down her laptop and her hopes of being a writer. However, with the purchase of her first e-reader, James became re-energized by the new possibilities for an undiscovered author to reach the masses. Dusting off her keyboard she finally finished Bound to Remember, the first book of the Spellbound Series and self-published it. Energized and ambitious, James is now hard at work on both the Spellbound Series as well as the Fate Series, a paranormal romance about dreams and what happens if they come true.
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